In December, 2005, I was engaged to be married.
[Spoilers: I did not actually marry this person.]
At that time, I was living in Muskegon ,
but teaching medical massage therapy in Grand
Rapids
Regardless, we eventually hit it off. He was fun to teach with (and good to look
at), and he thought I was hilarious, so BAM, we became friends. I was set to be married in September 2006,
but that guy and I broke up around May.
Scott was great, listening to my complaints about the now ex-fiancé,
taking me out for coffee and taking me on walks. (Not like I’m a dog, but, you know what I
mean.) I’m not quite sure what happened,
but in the course of about a week, I went from looking at Scott as a co-worker
and friend, to boyfriend potential. He
had everything going for him: smart, compassionate, caring, talented,
handsome. I fought it for a while,
thinking that getting out of a 5-year relationship and jumping into a new one
right away was a bad idea, but eventually we started dating.
And continued, for 6 years.
Now, if my life were a movie, I could tell you that we were madly in
love and eventually moved in together and got married and lived happily ever
after. But of course that’s not true,
otherwise why would I have this blog??
The relationship was great, though. Mostly.
Sure there were highs and lows, but overall he was the closest person I
had ever considered a soul mate (not that I believe in that nonsense). We went on adventures together, we loved and
respected each other, we loved each other’s families, and we shared similar
ethics, morals, and ideals. So it’s no
surprise that, when the relationship finally came to an end, it wasn’t because
there was some big blow up or one of us cheated on the other [Truth: He doesn’t
know I ever cheated on him. But it did happen, more than once. I am not proud.]. I had moved away to go back to school, and we
simply just grew apart. Our lives were
moving in different directions, at different speeds. But this is also why, today, I can say he’s
my best friend.
Sure, after the break up (even though it was all my doing),
I was in pretty rough shape. I missed
our songs and inside jokes, the closeness of sleeping with someone you love,
sharing stupid stories of things that happened throughout the day, having
someone in your life who just gets you, is invested in you, wants
to know what you’re thinking and feeling.
But after about a year of healing and growth, we were able to connect as
friends. And I wouldn’t trade that for
the world.
Not everyone gets our friendship, though. His now ex-girlfriend hated that we were friends, and all but forbid him from spending
time with me (and continues to, because she’s a dumb cunt). She was jealous that we had a “past,” and was
convinced we were going to get back together.
Sorry bitch, but you’re younger, cuter, and fitter than me. Any of your jealousy is a direct result of
your own insecurity. I am not a threat. (Also, she was really awful to
him during their break-up, thus, being overly protective of him, I hate her
even more for toying with his emotions.)
Most people assume that we’re going to get back
together. Why else would a boy and a
girl spend so much time together??? It
couldn’t possibly be that they love, respect, and appreciate each other as
friends…
Even my own mother, bless her sweet heart, doesn’t get
it. I had told her, months ago, that I
had invited Scott and the alcoholic
to my birthday weekend (the alcoholic and I broke up long before my birthday,
but regardless…) and she said, “Oh Deanna, no!
You can’t invite them both!”
So anyhow, now we’ve been broken up for about 4 years. And I’m in a sticky position that I need a
place to live come October, but my options are limited. My roommate had his mind set on buying a
house this year, and his dream is coming true.
He put an offer on a house, they accepted, and he may close on the house
by the end of September. And, despite
having agreed to remain roommates when he found a house, he has decided he
doesn’t want me to move in with him. So
now my best plan of action is to move in with Scott (he bought a house in GR
while we were dating and now has lived here maybe 5 years). My ex-boyfriend-turned-best-friend. A dude I dated for 6 years but never lived
with. THIS IS MY LIFE. So many minds will be blown when I actually
move in with him. Lord help us that we
don’t murder one another…
I’m actually looking forward to living with Scott, if I
really think about it. He’s a fantastic
human being, one of my favorites, and we really do work well together. This living situation is (hopefully)
temporary, so it’s already been decided that most of my stuff will stay packed
up in storage (kitchen things that he already has, and whatnot). But the other day, he brought up groceries
and was like, “We could save so much money if we just go in on groceries
together.” And also, “We’re going to
have the best food at our house! We can
take turns cooking dinner and sharing food!”
I hadn’t thought of that but yeah, that’s cool. We can go grocery shopping together and cook
together, like a couple. Except that
we’re not.
I find myself doing things with him that I would normally do
with a significant other, if I had one.
We cook together, go out for ice cream, go on walks, discuss daily
trials and concerns, goals and aspirations.
If a concert or show or whatever is coming up that one of us wants to go
to, we ask the other to come with. If
there’s an event around town that one of us wants to check out, we ask the
other first before anybody else, because we already know that we will have fun
together. Besides, we have countless shared interests, chances are we both want to go.
***********
I recently went to a wedding out of town, and had about a
2-hour drive each way. Driving home
after the event, I grabbed a random CD out of the case in my car. Most of the discs in there are compilations
Scott made for me while we were together.
The CD I grabbed was a mellow mix of singer-songwriter type artists,
like what you would hear on a coffee-shop radio station: Imogen Heap, Sun Kil
Moon, Ray LaMontagne. Some of these songs I hadn't listened to in years. The music
made me feel nostalgic for the days when Scott and I were together, how happy
we were in the first half of our relationship.
Then, “Paperweight” by Joshua Radin comes on, and immediately I’m taken
back to 2007. Many weekends were devoted
to one another, days spent lying in bed naked, talking and listening to music,
sleeping and making love. While I
relished the memories, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of loneliness, of loss,
of despair that I will never again experience that kind of connectedness with
another person.
I called him a few days later, to see how his week was
going, because I've come to realize that he always reaches out to me first. [I’m kind of self-absorbed like that, and I
apologize to each and every one of you for not reaching out to you first more
often.] Anyway, near the end of our
40-minute conversation, he says, “I meant to text you earlier to see how school
was going, and if you needed me to cook for you.” Does it get any sweeter than that??? It’s this kind of thoughtfulness and caring
that I’m looking for from another person.
But not Scott, I can’t bring myself to want that from Scott. He’s my friend, and that’s it. Totally platonic. But why can’t I find a guy like
Scott???
BUT… what if… What if he is my most perfect
person? What if I actually have found my
soul mate, and I’m just being stubborn?
No, that’s not right. Scott can’t
be my most perfect person. While he’s a
fabulous human being, he lacks a lot of things I’m looking for. And, let’s get serious: I look back on our
relationship fondly, but it was far from perfect. There were the ultimatums he gave, about my
smoking, my drinking, my lack of fitness, etc.
He made light of the issues in my life that concerned me, that brought
stress and anxiety. He all
but told me I was wrong for the emotions I was experiencing when I was
depressed and lost and poorer than I had ever been in my life. I spent the last couple years of our
relationship pretending to be someone I was not when I was around him, which
made me want to spend less and less time with him. Finally, the holidays came around, and I can
remember sitting with my sister in her house, saying that I would rather not
celebrate Christmas with him than pretend to be someone I wasn’t. That’s not perfect love.
I found myself reflecting on these myriad emotions for several days. I wanted to be sure that I was sure that my
emotions weren’t attached to feelings for Scott. My god, this definitely needs to be sorted
out before moving in with him! But I
reflected, and wrote about it, and listened to more of “our” songs, and allowed
myself to cry, to feel every emotion that came to me. The result: I am desperately lonely and have
a strong desire to be in a meaningful romantic relationship, but attempting
another relationship with Scott would absolutely not fulfill my needs.
It’s at this point that I have to remind myself that love is
a choice. Sure, chemistry is a real
thing, that feeling of being truly “connected” with another person. But love, in itself, is a collection of
behaviors that, for the most part, we have complete control of. While I love Scott, I am not in love with him, and I don’t act on
those behaviors related to romance or passionate love. I don’t feel inclined to. I don’t want to. He doesn’t want it, either.
So, yeah, that’s the state of affairs these days. As unconventional as it is, I am completely
comfortable with the fact that Scott and I will be playing house in the near
future. I get the benefit of sharing a
living space with someone whose company I enjoy, who takes pride in nurturing
me and providing me with food and a room to stay and a place to park my car, and who also appreciates my company
and badass cooking skills. I am not
moving in with my ex; I’m moving in with my best friend.
[Totally platonic.]
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