Weariness and discontent move
aside. This bitch is pissed
and ready to full-on rage.
I have been unbelievably crabby for like four days now. I hate everything and everyone. I’ve drank two boxes of wine. I’m pissed, I’m annoyed, I’m frustrated. I’m
just not happy. Where is all of this
angst coming from???
I hate school right now.
I have two classes this semester, both with the same rookie,
inexperienced professor. She’s kind of
the worst. I don’t mean to be
disrespectful, but she never managed to establish any instructional control
over her classes at the start of the semester, and it’s painfully obvious. I find myself goofing off in class way
more than I normally would; I’m texting, I’m quite obviously ignoring her
“lecture,” I snicker and make jokes with the classmates sitting next to
me. Yeah, I’m that kid in class. I don’t
like her teaching style (which [ineffectively] includes reading power point slides and showing
boring ass videos), so most class sessions involve me sitting in my seat,
desperately wishing I could light myself on fire to get out of this
prison. It’s affecting my school
work. I’ve been procrastinating on every
homework assignment, every week, just dreading having to do anything associated
with school. And it’s making me
resentful. Fuck school. Fuck homework. Fuck getting good grades. I hate all of it.
Fucking everybody I know is in a relationship except
me. The Alcoholic has a girlfriend. I think the Dude is seeing
someone. Scott told me today that he and
his lady friend just made things “official” (whatever the fuck that
means). Even my sister, who has always
been my ride-or-die partner in crime (and also chronically single) has found
love. [Admittedly, I’m beyond ecstatic
that she’s happy, and I 100% approve of the dude, but at this point, everyone is
a target for my angst. Everyone.]
There was a guy
for me, briefly. An old flame from two
years ago suddenly appeared in my life three weeks ago. He contacted me. He said he wanted to pursue
dating. He made me believe that
he was sincere. So two weeks go by, and
I’m like, “Yeah, totally, we could be a thing!” But then, almost like clockwork, he pulled
away, without warning or explanation, in week three. When I confronted him about it this past
weekend, he played dumb. He claimed that
his behavior had not changed, that simply he was busy. Of course I called him out on that, and
eventually asked if perhaps he had lost interest in me. To which he replied- and I quote-
“I don’t think I can say that I
lost interest, necessarily. But also, at
this point, I think it’s too early to say that I had even developed an
interest, at this point.”
Fucking ouch, man.
Also, YOU CAN’T
BULLSHIT A BEHAVIORIST!!! I have been trained
to recognize changes in behavior, and to track down the function of said
behavior!! Give me some goddamn
credit, you fucking fuck.
So, yeah. Fuck that
guy.
Every day I struggle with emboldened rage at the stupidity
of the political powers in charge of our country. What in the
ever-loving fuck are you doing with your lives right now?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously.
What the fuck? Betsy DeVos for education secretary?? Muslim ban?
BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE?????
Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Tomi Lahren, SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FISTFULL OF ASSHOLES! What a goddamn joke! I’m embarrassed. This shit is NOT ok. Where are the level-headed politicians who should
be holding these asshats accountable for their blatant lies, incompetency,
and lack of leadership or professionalism?
I can’t even stay caught up on the news on a daily basis, for fear of
stroking out whist reading more bullshit about the narcissistic, illiterate,
man-baby pretending to run this country.
And finally, what should be an outlet for all of my
rage has become a nuisance, and yet another source of annoyance. I’m a member of several political activist
groups on Facebook. I want to be involved. I want
to have a voice. I want to direct my negative energy towards a positive cause. But I’m getting really fucking pissed off that there is so much work to do. EVERY DAY, there’s a new event or rally
or protest or counter-protest or sign-making party or town hall meeting or
documentary screening or congressperson to call or petition to sign or….. While I want to fight the good fight,
I’m already pretty goddamn tired of fighting.
Why should I have to work this hard to live in a decent society? How did we get ourselves- and this country-
into this mess?
**STOP: I know that
my privilege is showing, and I apologize.
But this has everything to do with my soul fatigue, so just go with it
for now. With any luck, I will be
posting a follow-up blog post about my “Justice Fatigue” which will address
this issue. But for now, I need you to
finish listening to me bitch about how much I hate life. Thank you.
********
So now what? I’ve got
to do something with this anger. Put it
to good use. So fine, I’ll (reluctantly)
do my homework this week; I’ll go to the activist events I’m signed up for
Wednesday through Saturday. I’ll keep up
with the “news” so I know what the important matters are to be pissed
about. I will move forward. I will keep fighting to make a
difference. But I’ll also keep using
“fuck” every other word when I speak.
Because, fuck it.
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