Drinking Champagne In My Underwear

Remember when I told you that my counselor encouraged me to do things by myself that I would normally prefer to do with other people?  Well, I’ve been challenging myself to do more of it lately.  I think I’m making progress, because it doesn’t suck as bad as it used to.  In fact, I was relieved to find out that both roomies would be gone all weekend, and I would have the house to myself for the holiday.

I had to work in Muskegon Friday night, but had decided not to stay the whole weekend.  I’ve been spending a lot of time in Muskegon lately, and I’m over it.  I could have done family stuff for the holiday, but I honestly just didn't want to.  May is a super busy month, with birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day…  Every weekend there’s some kind of family get-together.  But I just wasn’t feeling it this weekend.  I didn’t want to feel obligated to see my family.  In fact, it occurred to me that I didn’t want to feel obligated to do anything I didn’t want to do.  So when a friend asked me Friday night what my weekend plans were, I told him I didn’t have any, and that maybe I would just spend the holiday drinking champagne in my underwear, because I do what I want. 

And so I gave myself permission to skip the family picnic and not feel one ounce of guilt about it.  It’s about foregoing perceived obligations and not giving a fuck about the consequences.  Would I have enjoyed spending time with my folks and my siblings?  Of course.  But would the children (nieces and nephews) and in-laws have annoyed the piss out of me?  Yep.  So I chose to just do my thing. 

This is not to say that it’s easy to give myself permission to not do shit I don’t want to do, nor does it come naturally.  I don’t often put myself first because it doesn’t seem like the right time.  I find myself always waiting for something.  Waiting until I have time.  Waiting until I’m motivated.  Waiting for someone else to make the first move.  Waiting until I’m happy.  Waiting for the right opportunity.  Waiting for the right time.    But… it’s never the right time.  I have too many other things to do.  Too many responsibilities, too many obligations.  I don’t have time to do the things I want to do, I’m too busy doing the things I have to do.

Wait. 

What the fuck? 

Whose life am I living here??  I can’t possibly be living my own life if I allow it to be dictated by the desires of others.  So fuck ‘em.  I’m not living by anyone’s standards but my own.  So what if I want to drink champagne in my underwear, dance to Buena Vista Social Club in the kitchen with Kitty, and have full on conversations with all three cats, out loud, at 11 pm?  It’s my goddamn choice.  And that’s what I did this weekend, and it was glorious.

My alone time isn’t all sunshine and unicorns, though.  I still struggle with being alone, the unbearable weight of loneliness.  I’ve been thinking about past relationships a lot, and getting down on myself for not being capable of developing successful ones.  I secretly wish that I would hear from the Sociopath (what the hell is wrong with me??).  I’m resentful that I don’t get invited to do things.  Anxiety over my financial instability is nearly all-consuming.  However, these thoughts are becoming much more temporary than permanent, the more I allow myself time to work through the labyrinth in my mind. And honestly, with all of the negativity that comes along with being solitary, I’m learning a lot about myself, what I want, what I don’t want.  And you know what?  I’ve decided I don’t want to wait anymore.  I don’t want to waste my life doing things I don’t want to do.  And, I don't want to miss out on stuff because it's not the right time.

And on that note, I just booked a room in the UP for my friend’s wedding!  Maybe it’ll be a one-of-a-kind solo adventure, maybe I’ll have a boyfriend by then.  Who knows?  Who cares??  I just decided that I can’t wait until I know if I’ll have a date or not.  Maybe I will (unlikely), maybe I won’t (most likely), doesn’t matter.  I’m going, and it’s gonna be awesome.