Since I couldn’t be bothered to follow my own advice, I
started chatting with a couple of guys on OKCupid this week. I’m an idiot.
Monday:
Two dudes messaged me on the Fourth of July. The first guy (whose real name I do not know)
was hilarious. Every message he sent, he
would ask an oddball question, so our conversation bounced around from favorite
childhood toys to nude modeling (we’ve both done it) to his history as a
homeless clown in California
The other guy sent a message while I was at my parent's. His message was sweet and thoughtful and
charming, I just had to respond! I mean, I waited until I got back to my
sister’s house, and after she read his message, and after I checked our
compatibility and discerned that he was not likely a murderer/rapist/terrorist. But I actually responded because he legitimatly
seemed like someone worth meeting!
Tuesday:
We messaged again the next day, and eventually exchanged
numbers. [Now, I know it’s not smart to
give out personal information so quickly, however, there’s a method to my
madness. See, the longer I’m signed in
to my account and the more activity I engage in while logged on, the more
likely people will visit my profile and/or send me a message. I didn’t want to be bothered with all of
that, so I told him that texting would be easier.] He texted me that evening and we set up a
date for the following night. And then
we continued to text All. Friggen. Night.
This, my friends, is why it is not smart to drink and online date. Once the booze is flowing, I start talking
non-stop and tell too many stories, and disclose way more
information than is necessary. This is
also why, henceforth, I will not-so-endearingly refer to him as Magneto- not
because he reminds me of the X-Men (or that he has any mutant abilities that I'm aware of), but because he’s been awfully attached to
me since we first started chatting. (Like a magnet, get it? Moving on…)
From that first night of texting, he has been super intense, throwing out compliments
left and right, telling me how amazing I am (I already know that, thanks bro),
expressing his excitement to meet me the next day, blah blah blah. At one point, in my drunken ramblings, I
quickly changed the subject of our conversation to music or something stupid,
and jokingly apologized for it, saying “Sorry, I can be really all over the
place,” to which he replied, “It’s
ok, I think I might just follow you anywhere.”
What in the actual fuck? Mind
you, WE’VE NOT YET EVEN MET IN PERSON.
Wednesday:
OK, so fast forward to date night. I was a little nervous, because, despite his
unflappable eagerness, I still wanted to make a good impression. I
realize now that I should not have tried so hard. He was almost exactly as I imagined: not
terribly good looking, but friendly and engaging and polite and interested in
everything I had to say. We shared wine
and conversation for 4 hours. I wasn’t
at all attracted to him, but the conversation was fun, and the wine was
delicious, and as I mentioned before, there’s no stopping my mouth from running
once the alcohol kicks in.
Eventually, the restaurant was closing, and I finally
realized how late it was and said that I should head home. He insisted on taking a short walk, so I
agreed to let him walk me to my car, which was parked a couple of blocks away. You guys, HE HELD MY FUCKING HAND THE WHOLE
WAY. What the hell??? It was at this point that it finally clicked:
this dude was waaaaaaaaayyyyy too
into me to be normal. Inevitably, when
we got to my car, he came in for a kiss.
I absolutely did NOT want that in my life, but how do you politely back
away from something like that??? I
finally got in my car and drove off, thankful that the date was over. However, when I got home, I realized that I
never thanked him for the wine (he must have spent nearly $80 there, including
tip), so I sent him a quick text to let him know that I got home safe and thanking
him for the evening, because I’m a fucking lady. Big mistake.
This inadvertently opened the door to even more texts, exceedingly more lovey-dovey than the night before, and
him nicknaming me Dearest Dee (whose other variations include Delightful Dee
and Darling Dee).
Thursday:
We had agreed that night to see each other again
Sunday. To cook food. At my apartment.
OK, OK, so it seemed like a good idea when I was drunk, but the day after the date I was horrified by the
idea of letting that man into my home. I
didn’t like him enough and certainly didn’t want to give him the impression
that being in my house meant that the bedroom was a place he has access to. Plus, his texts had turned into some form of
desperation, after he admitted that he didn’t want to wait that long to see me
again. Dude, it’s like 4 days. You went 40 years of your life without seeing
me; you can wait a couple of days.
Sit down. He also offered to meet me
for ice cream that evening, which I declined because, as I had told him the night
before, I had plans. It rained that night, and he texted me while I was having dinner with my friend, “Good thing we did not go for
ice cream… though there is something kind of fun about kissing in the
rain.” Eeewwwww!!!!! Don’t talk about kissing!!!
Friday:
That’s it; he absolutely can not come over to my house. I rearranged my weekend plans and texted him
Friday morning that plans had changed, and unfortunately I was no longer
available for our cooking date, would he like to have dinner with me that night
instead? I didn’t want to completely
cancel our “date” because he is genuinely a nice guy, and I sincerely enjoy our
conversation (when he isn’t acting clingy and I'm left bracing myself for the moment he decides to profess his undying love for me). Of course he agrees, because at this point,
Magneto would be willing to do just about anything for me. So he agrees to pick me up at 7:00 because “I
want to walk you to your door and steal another kiss or two." God, NO!!!!!
Stop talking about kissing!!!!!
We get to the restaurant, a place I had eaten at several
times, but he had never been to. The
server comes to our table and he is Drop. Dead. Gorgeous. Just an amazingly beautiful creature, who- in
an accent that made my lady bits quiver- tells us that he is Italian, at which
point I decide that he could tell me just about anything and I would be
delighted to listen. Luckily, he asks if
we’ve ever been here before and Magneto says no, so this handsome hunk spends
several minutes going over the menu, describing several dishes and pronouncing
their Persian names in the most magical way.
Anyhow, dinner was delicious and once again, the
conversation flowed easily. I probably
should have broken things off at the end of this date, but I didn’t. I just couldn’t bear the thought of breaking his
heart. I figure I’ll just give it a few
days, hopefully he’ll catch on if I don’t text him, and maybe set up a coffee date
and then break it to him. Perhaps Monday.
Sunday:
Seriously, this is one of the worst parts of dating. It’s scary enough just putting yourself out
there. And then once you do, you hope to
find someone compatible. And then you
agree to meet that person, all the while wondering if you’re going to like him
and if he’s going to like you, and will you both like each other the same amount,
or is he going to be more into you or vice versa? Will there be a chemistry between you, will
you be attracted to one another, will you find each other interesting? This shit is way too stressful. I really need to work on meeting someone in
person, rather than online. That way you
get to skip this awkward step, kind of, because probably, you can tell right
away if there’s a “click” between the two of you, and you’ll go from there.
Alas, I do not have the slightest clue where to go to look
for a real person to meet in person. And
despite my unwavering confidence and high self-esteem, I am not bold enough to
approach a stranger and start conversation.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking to strangers, but not strangers who I think are
good-looking and who I would like to impress and then go out with and
eventually bang fall in love with and live happily ever after. The pressure is just too much.
So, that’s where we are now.
I’m getting lots of advice from my friends, most of it bullshit, but I
appreciate the support. I suppose for
now I’ll back off from the online nonsense and try to spend more of my free
time actually leaving the house so I present myself with more
opportunities to meet new people out in the real world. And
cross my fingers that some dude is willing to approach me first, because that
would make my life so much easier.
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