I started an account on OKCupid 3 years ago, mostly out of boredom. It was pure entertainment for me, with a little ego-stroking thrown in here and there. But I never actually thought anything would come of it. How can I take people seriously when all I know about them are the handful of pics they deem most appealing of themselves, and narratives that tend to be a far cry from their true personality? Nonetheless, I wasted many nights, drinking wine and reading profiles, imagining what the person would be like in real life, how compatible we would be.
There were the messages I got from dudes, ranging anywhere from “Hi,” “How’s your weekend been?” and then “Your tits are great!”and “DTF?” “I’ll never go down in history, but I’d love to go down on you” was particularly memorable. I do not respond to messages like these. (Also, if the other person is less than a 70% match, chances are he's conservative/Jesus-y/Republican/hunts or fishes, or some kind of a red-neck weirdo, none of which I have any interest in or patience for. So I ignore these people as well.) I'm actually the worst when it comes to online dating, because I don't really put in the effort. I almost never message anyone first, and despite the tens of messages I got from guys, I rarely responded. I would much rather be a silent observer, creeping on guys profiles from the comfort of my living room. [And only checking out profiles using the "quickmatch" option, because then it wouldn't alert them to say I'd been creepin' on their page.] However, some dudes get straight up pissed if you don't message them back. Like somehow, I owe it to them for the simple fact that they put some menial effort forth to reach out to me. Like I owe it to them to respond, simply because I'm female and that's how I'm supposed to thank them for taking time out of their day to write an absolute masterpiece of an email (One guy messaged "I love the tattoos" and the next day followed up with "No response." Of course I didn't respond, you big dummy, you didn't say anything that prompted a response from me.). Sorry bitch, I don't owe you shit.
Every once in a while, the message would be sincere, from a dude who really believed that the façade I threw up as a profile was one of a woman he truly wanted to meet. (Which is cause for concern anyway, because my profile is weird as shit.) And, of this small percentage of lonesome dopes scavenging the same dating website as myself, a select few seemed worth responding to. And so I did, with limited luck. In that first year, I met a couple of guys, two in person, one with whom I kept up a very long messaging relationship before finally meeting him in person almost a year later. He was my favorite of that bunch, for sure, but meeting him in person actually took away from the narrative we had played online.
One dude was a stoner, living in the student ghetto near me, who was fun to shoot the shit and drink porch beers with, but had no real depth. Then there was Kevin (what a god-awful name!) who was honestly the boringest person I’d ever met in my life. I had to wonder, was someone else writing on his behalf while we were communicating online? Because, in person, not only was he not funny or interesting, he didn’t think I was funny! Come on now, I’m hilarious! That’s a deal breaker right there.
Then I met Dave. Sweet, thoughtful, troubled. Yep, that’s my type, for sure. We hit it off immediately, and I thought I was in love, despite the fact that he was divorced, unemployed, clinically depressed, and living in his parents’basement. What can I say; I’m a sucker for the wounded bird type. We made it 4 months before he dumped me. Why he dumped me, I’ll never know. It was an“It’s not you, it’s me” situation. Still, it left quite a sting. So I let it go for a while. But curiosity-and sheer loneliness- got the best of me, so I got back online again, in hopes of being swept off my feet by some magical being.
[Tangent] The more I think about it, we’re all very flawed. We’re all just looking for someone who can accept our flaws and, if we’re lucky, can identify with those flaws. And sex and companionship are nice, too.
Back in October, I started chatting with a dude who worked in restaurants, seemed like a flibbertigibbet, not at all grounded or balanced, but handsome and funny (which kind of trumps everything). So why not just chat?
At the same time, a man who was very well grounded, and handsome, caught my attention. We chatted for a while, got along well, and agreed to meet up. I dated him for about a month. He was perfect- handsome, level-headed, empathetic, smart. But, for whatever reason, I wasn’t super attracted to him. Why the fuck not, Deanna?!? Sure, he was a bit boring, but you don’t need drama in your life. And this man for sure was drama free. But, I don’t know, it just didn’t work. So, 4 weeks in, we were done (he broke up with me). No surprise there, though, I have about a 5-week expiration date when it comes to love interests (more to come on that topic in another blog post).
But then, I decided to go back to the flibbertigibbet, to see what he was up to. I still don’t really know why. Maybe because I was lonely, and didn’t want to put the work into “getting to know” someone again. But anyhow, I messaged ‘tdubbs’ again. Unbeknownst to me, he had just lost his job, due to some crazy drunken debacle. Turns out, dude is an alcoholic. Fuck. I don’t need to take on that kind of baggage. But, fast forward 6 weeks, and there I was- falling for a man who is an alcoholic, can’t get his shit together, probably has an underlying psychological disorder, but goddammit, I like him. What am I doing with my life???
Surprisingly, this "relationship" lasted just over 2 months. How (or why), I have no idea. I mean, he was funny, but at times obnoxious. He was fun to party with, but often partied without me, and would call me, drunk and ridiculous, at all times of the night. And when we hung out, more often than not, he was hungover and totally unmotivated to do anything beyond lying on the couch watching TV. He didn't have a car, so we usually stayed at his place. He never had any food, often didn't have toilet paper for the bathroom, and his place was on the other side of town, so I would have to get up extra early for work. Which would lead to him complaining about the "thousand" alarms I set in the morning because if I'm late to work again, I may just get fired.
I actually intended to break up with him a couple of times, but ended up having sex with him instead. Hey, a girl's got needs. And he had this sort of narcissitic charm that made him bewilderingly irresistable.
However, the sex was mediocre at best, which is baffling, because I was super attracted to him. But I think the real problem here (and, actually, in most aspects of our relationship) was that he's awfully selfish. He didn't care if my needs were being met, as long as he could get off. He was the kind of guy who would ask how my day was, but wouldn't bother to listen to the answer.
Eventually, I had had enough. I broke up with him- over the phone- on a Sunday. I would have broken up with him in person, but he decided to go have drinks with a coworker when he got out of work that day, breaking the plans we had made together for that afternoon.
I was just ready to be done. When he finally called that day, I tried to be diplomatic about the whole situation, I really did. But eventually, I had to throw it out there. "Sorry, bro, it's not me, it's you." I felt really bad about it, I really did. But I had to move on. To what, god only knows. But now I get to go back to reading (but not actually responding to) messages from random dudes online. I think I should be done with online dating, for now. In the meantime, though, I'll keep my profile around for the LOLs.
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